I was talking to someone a few months ago and I said “God won’t give me more than I can handle” to which he responded with “maybe God is giving you a little bit more than you can handle so you learn to trust more in him”. That has stuck with me every day. But why would God give me so much more to where the thoughts of ending my life would even cross my mind? Why would God be making me suffer through all of this?? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?? Why would God allow me to go through all this? And why does it keep coming back!? I’m tired of fighting. Fighting thoughts, fighting pain, fighting rejection, fighting for health. I’ve never been a fan of fighting but it’s literally all I’ve been doing the last 8 months. I’ve been so afraid of things. Afraid of life.
But what is fear?
Fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, *pain*, etc., whether the threat is real or *imagined*.
BUT; Beneficial fear is encouraged. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and leads to understanding (Psalm 111:10). The fear of the Lord leads to life, rest, peace, and contentment (Prov. 19:23). The Fear of the Lord provides a security and a place of safety for us (Prov. 14:26). In Isaiah 41:10 it says "do not fear for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand". Every day I fear the future of my life, but God cares for even the smallest bird in the air, He knows the hairs on my head. So how much more does He care and provide for me? One of His children. Psalm 56:11 says "in God I trust, I shall not be afraid. what man can do unto me?" What is the key to overcoming my fears? Total and complete trust in my Lord and Savior. But that is after understanding His power and knowing Christ as my savior. No matter the circumstances (fears) God brings into my life. Trusting Him is refusing to give in to the fears that follow me every day, sometimes every hour. "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him." Job 13:15. Only until I learn to fully, 100% completely put my trust in Christ, can I then completely rest in Him and place those fears aside.
Fear has been holding me back for awhile now. Fear of disappointment; whether it be me disappointing or being disappointed. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being compared to others. Fear of being rejected. Fear of not being 'enough' for someone. Fear of succeeding. Fear of not living up to the standards. Fear of slipping back into the thing that took me down. Fear of just giving up.
People keep saying 'there's nothing to be afraid of. You are an inspiration and I wish I could be like you'. Trying to believe that has been a tough one because I know me and at times I'm not sure I want to even be me. Things happen in life and get sucked into the sins of this world... and then trying to say no to them. But they keep popping back up. They are attacks coming from Satan and Sometimes I win. But sometimes I lose. Right now, I really feel like a loser. I fail every day and it sucks. But learning from my failures is what's really important. If I don't learn from them and change my ways of living I'll keep falling and giving in and failing. But all of these fears are 'the spirit fear' that the Bible talks about.